Judging by the appalled look on my doctor’s face as I ticked off my daily diet, it became apparent that my prodigious intake of fermented grapes and aged sour mash would never qualify as an adequate amount of nutritiously dense roughage. Caving to my doctor’s incessant prodding to partake of healthier fare containing rather large amounts of high fiber and less potables, I began a stout regimen of bran, greens and moderate sobriety.
An hour after promising to attempt a healthier lifestyle just to shut his yammering pie hole, I made a tedious, label reading trip through the store and loaded the pantry with bran flakes, assorted brown grains and other unappetizing foodstuffs I had absolutely no desire to eat.
But eat them I did come breakfast, lunch and dinner. Well, not dinner. I don’t exactly eat dinner, sipping would be a more accurate descriptive of that particular mealtime activity and not one of the new grocery items sparkled as a tantalizing mixer.
After a mere three days of following a slightly modified version of his rigorous dietary plan, it became distressingly apparent that my ass had been invaded by a clutch of evil demons. Flatulence of comedic proportions kept me confined to the house lest I completely mortify what little dignity remains in my aging state of middle grace.
Stuttering cascades of florid, rip-roaring gas slipped from my backside with absolutely no warning all day long. My poor colon was completely unhinged by deranged muscles no longer under any semblance of reasonable control thanks to the insane amount of fiber I was shoveling down my throat morning, noon and… the very next morning.
My husband, face smothered under a queen size pillow, wondered if I had shoved the neighbor’s missing cat up my ass.
How in the hell can any medical professional recommend such a gruesome diet that would limit most sentient people to a solitary life compatible with isolated penal confinement or eating grubs in some remote island cave? You simply can’t go out in public after indulging in this bit of healthful idiocy.
Considerations of polite society aside, I can tell you that it’s quite unpleasant to spend your days blowing noxious plumes of hot air into your underpants.
I see no point in sporting a pristine lower tract or reaping the questionable, motley benefits promised by consuming large quantities of unappetizing food that result in a constant state of gassy misery.
Since I’m constitutionally incapable of tossing perfectly good food into the garbage, I’m happy to report the kale, spinach and sprouts are festering like a swamp in the lowest bin of the refrigerator we’ve nicknamed the rotter and I’m holding out hope for an invasion of weevils in the pantry.
Where’s the Bach?
Six days and 235 miles into my 7-day 276-mile bike ride, I settled in to the quiet little town of Winters. At twilight, I discovered you can order up real Elk steak, and I did so. It tastes just like high quality beef, and two big pounders of red ale wash it down nicely.
Back at the bed-n-breakfast, following my after-dinner nap, ten thirty at night…I discovered the elk doesn’t like me as much as I like it. I’m definitely coming back to this delightful little town, with my sweetie…but when that happens, I’ll stick with the real New York Strip thankyewverymuch. So no, it’s not just the greens that can have this effect, an exotic entree can inflate things the same way. One’s alimentary canal is transformed into a garden hose, with a simple overhand knot tied at each end and a hand grenade unpinned in between. Not conducive to a good night’s sleep by any means, for either of the bedmates.
Do you really need the Bach, Jewel? I’ll fix it if it floats your boat.
Morgan, elk? I would never have thought meat could equal the misery of high fiber.
Daphne,
Go read W Campbell Douglass, MD at http://douglassreport.com. He’ll give his perspective on fiber. He basically tells MD’s like your personal physician to take a hike when it comes to eating fiber to “improve your health”. He definitely agrees with you that most to the stuff is as tasteless as cardboard.
If you’re going to eat veggies, bran flakes or whatever you choose, eat it in small quantities. A little goes a long way and doesn’t cause the gas and cramps. 1/2 cup of veggies a day is probably more than enough and a 2-3 teaspoons of bran flakes will do. You don’t need much.
(You don’t have to post this. It’s just an FYI to improve your present condition.)
to = of sheesh!! ‘most of the stuff’
You should see what happens when the first-born’s bowels begin roiling with the fumes and gases of everything that upsets her. Which is everything. She becomes a vegeterrorist and brings home kale and quinoa, which I’ve become very good at making edible. I fear the girl will never marry, though. I tell myself, this too, shall pass, and when it does, I try to be upwind.
As for the Bach, I saw only the title of your piquant piece of colonic resistance and ASSumed. Sorry. Heh.
I was loathe to associate Bach with my asstric phenomena, girlfriend.
I just learned a new word on the innertubes, girlfriend: Daphnephoria. It is some pagan festival, but I prefer to think of it as Daphne, dazed and confused by her noxious gases.
Sounds like some perverse mental disease, Jewel.
Probably.
Good Lord!
I’m laughing so hard, I’m crying.
You have such a way with words.
You are the wind beneath our wings.
I think it is the way she candidly airs her thoughts.
What Mr. Nolan said. Everything in moderation, with the possible exception of single-malts and small batch bourbon.
My first time here. Nice blog and super post. Well done.
It doesn’t matter what I eat, my lower intestinal tract manages to changes the state of such edibles from the solid and liquid states to the gaseous state. What can I say, I’m a guy.
To allow her to occupy the same room as me, sans gas mask, my wife feeds me yogurt. It helps.
[...] upon your doctor at the supermarket. Fortunately, my basket was nearly empty at the time, else I might have had to endure something like this: Caving to my doctor’s incessant prodding to partake of healthier fare containing rather [...]
Why didn’t you tell your doctor that he works for you, and that a wise employee doesn’t offer his employer unsolicited advice about highly personal matters and choices?
Cowgirl up, Daphne. No one should get to treat a self-respecting American that way without paying a serious price for it.
People who know way more about this than I – like Gary Taubes who wrote “Good Calories Bad Calories” – say that fiber is unnecessary anyway. He reinforces the ideas of Michael Pollan who says we focus on the wrong things with diet and we should just eat what our grandparents used to eat: meat, potatoes, vegetables, etc. Pollan in particular says that processed food is the problem, and adding pomegranate or bran or whatever isn’t going to help.
I’ve tried switching over to this “paleo” diet, more or less, and it does seem to work well. And there are no embarrassing noises. ;-)
Initially you just have to transition your body over to burning fat for fuel instead of carbs, and this can take a few weeks for the body to develop the right enzymes. After that, you feel great. Obviously my experience is just that, my own experience, but it’s obvious that the “experts” don’t know everything, because we’ve gotten more obese, not less, by switching away from meats and fats over to starches and carbs. Clearly, it ain’t workin’.
Jeff – Depends on the type of fibre I suspect. High levels of grain in the diet are something humans are not adapted to yet; the invention of agriculture was too recent for that. There’s quite a lot of evidence that lots of starch and other easily available carbs aren’t what we are adapted to either. Wheat and particularly wheat bran are particularly bad, and dairy isn’t all that good either for a lot of people – lactase production in humans shuts down at the age of around 3-4, and intestinal bugs have to take up the slack – which all too often they can”t
This isn’t even new stuff. “The Stone Age Diet” (the book) is around 30 years old now.
Fletcher – the larger point made by Taubes is that focusing on fiber as some kind of magic elixir is a canard. Eat moderate amounts of natural healthy foods like meats, vegetables, etc. get some exercise, drink water, etc. and everything is fine, more or less.
The bottom line is that we should stop worrying about food all the time. The main problem with food is either too little or too much. Otherwise, just be thankful you have it. There is so much that is sensible about this idea, yet today’s experts are gobsmacked by it.
No it isn’t new, you’re right – after all, we all used to eat this way before, until the experts said it was bad for us. What _is_ new is the idea that it is _better_ for you than eating today’s supposedly healthy food.