I gave up on the cocktail hour ever arriving today and finally designated 2:15 as a perfectly acceptable time to pour an adult libation. Man, this has been one long ass day, it feels like it should be early evening already.
My smallest man is home with a sick tummy. His inclination to be as cranky and demanding as possible when ill isn’t making it anywhere near pleasant. The boy is about as cuddly as a leprous porcupine when he’s not feeling well. I did give about thirty seconds of serious thought to locking him in a closet with a clean bucket before my better nature nixed that Mommy Dearest notion. That was around ten this morning.
What to do when you’re at the beck and call of a grumpy, spewing midget? If you blog, you go through your photo archives and let the good, the bad and the ugly loose on your unsuspecting audience. Fair warning, some of this is definitely not safe for work, but I’ll put the nasty bits at the bottom.
LIFE WITH KIDS
MEET YOU THERE!
ALPHAS DO IT BETTER
TO MORGAN, WITH LOVE
THE MODERN GOP
MY DAY, IN A NUTSHELL
SOMETHING I’D LIKE TO ASK BIDEN
SOMETHING I COULD USE
BABY, LET’S COOK SOME PIG MEAT!
A FEMINIST TITTY TWISTER
WHERE DENNIS FINDS HIS DOOR PRIZES
MY BACKYARD AFTER A PARTY
And here’s my favorite satire site on the same topic.
http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/new-fathers-reluctant-to-spend-time-with-constantly-screeching-bag-of-shit-200910202153/
The opening sentence is brilliant!
“NEW fathers are failing to use their legal entitlement to paternity leave because they do not want to spend all day with a noisy shit fountain”
Yeah, them English can certainly use the language and they aren’t even Merkin.
They do indeed.
And the bad news keeps on coming
http://iowntheworld.com/blog/?p=22358
Gottago
That’s a WTF story, BJ. See you later.
That’s the other reason God invented alcohol.
That poor, overwhelmed Ginger child is a treasure-trove of WIN.
I do love redheaded children, Joan.
“That’s the other reason God invented alcohol”
Amen! Cocktail hour starts at the first hint of bitching, or fighting from the crumb crunchers (or the ol’ lady). Mostly because I’d be arrested for knocking their heads together….
“and now we know why some animals eat their young”
“See you there!”
Some of those I can understand, if not condone. But .. sports fans?
The Reverend Phelps is a hard taskmaster, Brian. Woe to the
masturbating, money loving, sports fans.
Did I mention that I won fifty fine bucks on Duke in March Madness? It was a small pool this year.
Cheers, Mayberry. Family life can be sorely trying at times.
Lance! Hither!!
[Godfrey Daniel! Sometimes, being a font of wit and wisdom is a burden.]
Yeeeesssss, Your Imperial Poon!
What would you think if I decorated my awesome yoni?
Like with a bill board or a chandelier? Or an end table?
No, idiot. With diamond studs.
Well, wouldn’t that up the visitation rates significantly? Putting the poon out of reach of my humble means as Proctologist to the Stars.
Maybe. But you could save up. Or get a paper route. Oh, wait. I could LEND you the money.
What if I default?
I’ll just repossess your nuts.
Lance, you are one stellar piece of work.
Speaking of whiny, why do I always wind up following Lance?
It’s probably too late to remind you, but wash your hands a lot. If he has what I had, you’re going down 60-72 hours after he did.
The Mrs and I pumped iron at the gym today together for the first time since she got knocked up 3 years ago. She arrived early and some guys were working on their lines when I she gave me a hug. It does wonders for an old man’s ego to hang with the hottest chick in the place. We started to feel that old magic.
Our reward afterwards for a “normal” hour was seeing five calls from the school and three calls from grandma on our phones. That not good news.
Figures.
I’m thinking that Lance de Boyle..
like Bob Dylan,and Lewis Carroll, before him, might be partaking of some of them pharmaceutical mushroomie things… or is in the possession of a very clear mind.
Salute
I’m going to be a grandma, Daphne. Irksome Middle went and did the deed. She was flying high there for awhile. Well. I wasn’t surprised in the least. Not angry. Hard to be angry with a 19 year old child-woman weeping on your shoulder. I don’t know how she’s going to handle it. So far, her boyfriend is sticking with her and looking forward to paternity.
I almost hear myself rewriting that infernal Beyoncé tune: Single Ladies:
Since you liked it, then you better put a ring on her.
Oh yes dear, I almost forgot: I hope your youngest man is feeling much better.
Gosh, I’m sorry Jewel. Maybe the baby will be what she needs to turn her life onto a stable path.
Four centuries ago, middle daughter would be working hard on her second or third surviving child along with everyone else she knew. Modern times are not easier for some people.
@Jewel: As the father of a bipolar fifteen year-old, this is one of my greatest fears.
Daphne,
I noticed that your invite to hell sign had 22 categories of evildoers. Fully eight (36%) of them related to some type of sexual infraction.
Don’t think the signwriter has any hang-ups do you?
Nah.
I think that sign came from one of the Reverend Phelps protests.
LOL…The reverend seemed to miss a couple. Murder. Adultery. Idolatry.
But he did get those damnable sports fans!
Cheers. (Psst — an early warning: these can be the best of days! The munchkins grow, have lavish weddings, then reproduce! Resistance is futile).
Congratulations on your daughter’s wedding, Moogie!!
My eldest is busy living in sin at the moment. I don’t know what I’m going to do with that boy, he seems to have little inclination for marriage.
And those nasty old masturbators. No fooling the reverend, he knows a terrible sin when he sees one. ;-)
Lance! Attend!
[Affanculo! Howz a guy sposed to get any work done in this dump? But that was a non sequitur. I shall not dignify it with an answer.]
I am here and I aim to please, Mistress of the Abyss.
Yeah, well your aim isn’t always so hot. Remember the time you missed and I scrambled backwards, bonking my fashionably coiffed noodle against the headboard?
Ahhh. Seems like yesterday! I recall that you walked funny for awhile.
It WAS yesterday, idiot! Anyway. I heard a funny sound. Are you masturbating Lance?
No, I’m not masturbating Lance—if by ‘Lance’ you mean me. But I AM having a pretty good time with the cat.
Meowwrrf!
Oh, for God’s sake! What is the MAtter with you?
We’re playing with a feather on a stick!
Oh, well, that’s okay.
Yeah, and when me and the cat are done, I’m gonna tickle your buffed and firm ass with this feather.
What did you say!?
I said, You’re a fickle lass in the heather.
That made no sense at all. You weren’t even close.
Yeah, like that time I missed.
Moogie – for a moment there, I read: “Resistance is FERTILE!”
Our little one is still running 103 when his motrin wears off. At least he is eating.
Is it the flu, Austin? I hear a bad strain is going through north and east Texas right now.
Now *that’s* a party!
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/italy/7646540/Baby-boy-survives-for-nearly-two-days-after-abortion.html
I hope things are better around the Rancho today, health-wise.
Phelps is a real piece o’ work… and it appears I’m frickin’ DOOMED (in some eyes). I counted 14 of my favorite past-times (or previous indulgences) on that list. Dang.
Hmmmm.
Anyone notice the oil spill off the Louisiana coast?
The little guy is a lot better. Doc thought it was an ear infection/throat thing and he gave us Amox. The next day the little guy was fine. Still clingy though so its still in him. Hope your little one is fine.
You want to discuss BP’s liability, Authur? Or how we should be running our country’s energy needs with unaffordable, unavailable alternative fuel sources? Or would you like to dish about the administration’s response to the spill?
Maybe we should ponder the oil slicked marine life, the polluted estuaries or the inevitable rising price of shrimp.
What’s there to say? Bad accidents happen, it’s awful, poor Louisiana can’t catch a break, Obama seems to be responding appropriately.
What, Arthur?
Most shrimp are farm raised these days.
Oysters are another story.
The real story is how this is just another case of how the Feds bungled yet another response to yet another emergency. Plans have been in place for a long time and the Feds dropped the ball.
This will be where historians begin to mark the unravelling of Obama’s control of the Federal government.
I only buy wild shrimp, Austim. I will miss the fat oysters.
The conspiracists are saying the North Koreans blew it (a South Korean built and owned rig) up to make Obama ignite a nuke to close it down. An interesting theory coming out of Russian intelligence.
So far, I don’t see that Obama has bungled anything.
Glad to hear your little guy is doing fine, Austin. Sick babies are the worst worry. Mine is as sturdy as a brick right now, he heals fast.
Obama hasn’t really screwed up in this, yet. But neither did Bush during Katrina. Neither was a situation where the federal government could do much, early on.
Of course, that didn’t stop everyone blaming GWB.
Obammy could bungle a wet dream. Don’t “Reid” the bill, and Pelousy HAVE bungled wet dreams….
Gordon – Mr. Bush was the source of all putrid evil, dontcha know. Weird how the liberals can daisy chain the same policies they hated under one, being all fine under the halo of their choice.
Nemesis and hero seem to be synonymous terms for the left wing.
Not a big surprise.
Which is why I don’t vilify our leaders, except for fun. Mocking them is much easier than keeping the flames of rage stoked by every passing little thing. Plus, I just turn the One off when he’s on telly. Evil incarnate is in North Korea. Evil incarnate is Iran. The restraining Hand is lifting away, and once more, we will be confronted by the Madness of Ignoring Evil Until it is Too Late. I wonder if they will be drafting women this time.
Here is what the plan was. Someone picked their nose for a week.
Again, this is another emergency situation where the agency response was inadequate from the very beginning.
The reason you have plans to be able to respond ASAP rather than running around like a chicken with its head cut off.
Obama, or his Cabinet folks, being the smart guys, should have asked: “What is your plan to deal with this? Who wrote the plan? Get them on a conf call in four hours and find out what needs to be done.”
http://blog.al.com/live/2010/04/burning_should_have_started_a.html
“Federal officials should have started burning oil off the surface of the Gulf last week, almost as soon as the spill happened, said the former oil spill response coordinator for the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. ”
“They had pre-approval. The whole reason the plan was created was so we could pull the trigger right away instead of waiting ten days to get permission,” Gouget said. “If you read the pre-approval plan, it speaks about Grand Isle, where the spill is. When the wind is blowing offshore out of the north, you have preapproval to burn in that region.”
Here’s a word you’ll find a use for
hochmagandy