Coming Undone

Listening to Dr. Laura the other day while unpacking the groceries, I came to a stunned stop when I heard a young woman, an articulate wife and mother, call in to inquire about her anger and frustration with her husband. Seems he wanted to make sure she was having a nice orgasm when they made love and was worried when she didn’t seem satisfied. This was the singular irritant of her life and a source of constant friction.

When the cranky Doctor inquired why this normal manly concern was so annoying, the woman responded with the oddest reason. In an earnest voice, she explained that it was her orgasm, he was being controlling with her sexuality and she should be able to have one or not without him being concerned.

Oh my.

Her husband, the father of her child, wants to make her back arch in the bedroom and this is a vexing problem? Honey, if you’re in a good relationship, the orgasm is a shared experience of pleasure and one of the three beams of continual bonding that a solid marriage requires to stay vital and out of divorce court. If you wanted to keep that rub all to yourself, you really should have stayed single.

It’s unspeakably cruel to deny your man the satisfaction of watching you spill over the edge of pleasure, it’s humiliating and demoralizing to his very core when he feels unable to make his woman come undone in the bedroom. A good man needs to know that he’s a desired and able swordsman, calm confidence in this arena spreads to the rest of the relationship in waves of warmth, respect and goodwill.

I understand that mother’s of babies and toddlers can feel touched out by the end of the day, the last thing you want is another hand on your body when all you’ve been fantasizing about is sleep for the last two years. I also understand the benign neglect and ennui that can settle into a long term relationship when you get out the habit of touching each other with sensual intent.

Life always gets in the way of good sex, that’s just a fact, but you best not give into the common distractions to the point where you end up feeling like an unwilling, naked stranger in your own marital bed. Keeping it on track is much easier than reigniting a dead fire that you’ve left to go cold or watching your man snake down the road to more receptive pastures.

After being thoroughly chastised by the acerbic Dr. Laura, the woman tentatively asked if she could fake it on the nights when seven minutes of fatigued writhing was not going to cut the juice. The doctor and I parted company on her stupid answer (What, you don’t like orgasms??? Just have one, dammit! Stick at it!!) to that one.

Throwing the game once in a while is perfectly acceptable, there’s not a good woman breathing who hasn’t pulled a moan, clenched some ass or rolled a quick shimmy to cap off a night of fruitless pursuit. You purists can stuff your mumbling dissent, I agree that busting a nut is a good goal, but let’s face it, women take longer than men and sometimes the greater good requires orgasmic sacrifice, practiced by a deft sleight of hand.

There’s no pain involved in giving up the goods, unless you’re married to a dedicated ass man. Sex feels good even when you don’t come, being touched with desire is nice even if it gets a little messy, but what the hell, let your hair down and give the man a go, grab a towel, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain in the close, long run of your life with the man you married.

Nicking a bit nirvana in your life can be as simple as showing up with a willing smile.